“I’m A Mess”

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The hardest of battles is when it is fought behind closed doors out of people’s sight. When tears are shed in the presence of no one. When the tongue is hardened and you consequently failed to verbalize the heart. It’s like there is lost signals. I wish I can paint what’s inside my heart. But, I’m afraid it will be just like a huge blob of messiness. Just like what I am right now. A mess. Too tired and weakened to force myself to get up and fight the world. Too tired to fight and face the stormy world. Too tired to utter a coherent explanation. I don’t know where it begins or where it ends. So, you just end up storming the world with your tongue tied in a knot carrying the heavy baggage of emotions that you have been stockpiling, waiting for the perfect time to explode.

I’m a mess. And it’s dragging me down deeper and deeper into an ocean of despair. I’m not even fighting the drowning by sticking my hands out to be saved. I’m just letting myself sink deeper and deeper into the darkness of the sea. And I intend to stay there for quite a while.

You look around you and you see the sun shining, the smiles and laughters of people everywhere blanketing your vision. Only yesterday, you were doing the exact same thing. Only yesterday, you were considered one of them, normal, emotionally-stable humans. Your broad honest smiles and your joyous talkative spirit now all look quite foreign and distant. You discovered that apparently your emotions do not intend to stay in a plateau for quite sometimes. They rebel and run amok within you. And you are only too emotionally, psychologically, physically fatigued to care. And another question adds to an already full plate of issues and problems: “Why Am I like This? and Why Am I Not like them? What is wrong with me?”

People flock to you for advices and emotional assistance. But nothing beats yourself harder inside when you begin to sincerely ask, how can you help them when you cannot even help yourself? Your lofty walk of strength indicating the victorious survival of your experiences are mere façades. The truth is, you need those words of advices more than anybody else. People think that the brokenness, the indentations created out of your ordeals and experiences have stopped somewhere in the past. But little did they know, the ordeals keep on coming and more indentations are being made, abusing your tiny, little, fragile heart.

Perhaps we like to put people especially ourselves high on the pedestal of angelicness, bound for perfection and flawlessness. And when you discovered that you’re just a weak human and when its ugliness is glaring itself onto your face, you just failed to fathom. Thus, the fall. That invisible fall that no one can see. The fall that takes place from a lofty tower of expectations will not end up looking so good. Your morale, your self-esteem are squashed. And since it is an invisible fall and given the generous façade of smiles that you have allowed to veil your true face , they will inevitably get trampled and trampled and no apology is offered. But you know that the battle does not subside. Tomorrow, when the sun peeks herself onto your face, you have no choice but to rise up and storm the world. AGAIN.

The battle will not cease until you begin to understand yourself more than other people can. And until then, garner your provision and brace yourself for the continuous battles ahead.

“And every night she would change herself, stay up late and grow deeper in love. She wanted to love it all. Everything and everyone, and how ironic was it, she wanted to save the world, the same world who couldn’t even remember her name.” (r.m. drake)

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