I Don’t Know How To Say It!

depression

There comes a time when you would not know what to do with sack of emotions that you have allowed to pile up when you once were so used to discarding them out of the system. You have forgotten what is it like to have a healthy system of emotions now that you have to deal with massive untended piles of outdated emotions added with stash of fresh new ones.  Then, you feel as if you can hear your heart screaming in pain for the enormous unbearable weight that it has to carry.  And then, when you  fear the responses that the scream of your mouth will produce, the tears start shedding. Then your face starts to be soaked with  heavy shower of tears. And there’s no way to control its production. They keep on running and running out of your eyes. Its true what people said, “the tears are silencing the screaming of your heart.”

Over thinking doesn’t help either. Neither does over caring. To feel excessively for something silly as cat’s cries is looked down. To explain it to someone, be it your best friend about the particularities of what’s plaguing your mind will only be a source of mockery. But, then you ask, who, really, can truly understand and be of a caring listener to your problems? How do you even begin to break down all the things clouding your head that it has even made it harder for you to breathe. How can people understand that when you cry, it is not out of anger, but out of frustration that you are incapable of controlling your anger.

Who would have the patience, you might wonder. With all the hustle bustle of life and piles of commitments and demands of life that other people have to shoulder, expecting on people to take a time to understand your lamentations seem to be an act devoid of mercy and compassion. And again, not everybody is well-versed in human psychology. And yes, it will feel pretty lonely when you think of the worldly realm. This social world that we have created only provides more loneliness to us, the social animals, when you think about it.

But that’s only when you’ve limited the world in such a view. There is however, another landscape, another horizon of hope awaiting us. One that connects to a metaphysical realm, a spiritual enclosure, a Divine embrace. One that doesn’t require us to find the right words to say it or articulate them into coherent sentences. The screaming of the heart itself is a desperate whisper of help heard up in the Heavens above. You don’t even have to put out your hands in supplication, your tears are giving testimony to The All-Seeing. When nobody else knows how you feel, The All-knowing, knows.

Just having those notions in mind, you’re immediately comforted. The tears dried up. The heavy weight of the heart suddenly vanished. Your tongue can begin to mutter words of coherence again. Now, its not that you’re devoid of emotions, but at least your emotions are kept at bay, subjugated by the power of rationality. Your problems are now articulated well and can be easily understood by the listener, whoever they may be. And in that, lays the proof of:

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Sahih International: “And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – INDEED I AM NEAR. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.” (2:186)

May Allah comfort all of our hearts.

The Keeper of Hearts

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It was a beautiful sunny day with a cooling light blue sky. I noticed those particularly well that day.  I was seeking Him in those puffy clouds and I remember the continuous screaming of my heart : “Ya Rab al samaawaat al Ard!” (O’Lord of the Heavens and the Earth!) The mixed emotions of anger and pain as a reaction to what I just found out was a fertile ground for shayateen to cultivate their attacks of doubts, suspicion and insecurities. I realized that, too.  The famous hadith of “the REAL patience is at the first stroke of calamity” keeps ringing itself in my head. The battle was intense between my consciousness and the flaming fire of anger fanned by the devils.

But sometimes when you sincerely ask Allah to calm your heart down and eliminate the chaos within you, He answers you. And that swiftly, too.  Sometimes, we fail to notice the speed at which He answer our desperate calls. Perhaps, it is the blindness of our hearts that forbids us from noticing this, consequently making us fail to stop and wonder at the overflowing mercy and love that He continuously showers upon us.

And then the calmness slowly settled in. And in that calmness, I found that my du’a was answered. The conviction was found. The much-needed conviction that everything is going to be okay! I have a thing of always trying to look for someone to comfort me in times of confusion, grief or pain.  But in my desperate search for that someone, I made a quick du’a along the way. I remembered Him amidst the chaos of my heart. Thank God for that! For the feeling that I felt immediately then was different and unperturbed. Surely, radically different than if I ever sought a company and wishing that he or she will eliminate the chaotic feelings within my heart.

Indeed, He is the Keeper of hearts. He protects and guides your hearts. When you’re sincerely at lost and you know, ONLY He, al-Rahman who can help you escape the situation, nobody else will, only HE will.

I did not need anyone to give me a comfort or an answer to reassure me any more. Sometimes when He wills it, the answer can be shoved right in front of you. Clearing you of all the doubts and prevents you from all possible heartaches.